Warning: This post is about marriage. And with my vast amount of first-hand experience being married, I hope you will take it very seriously! (And because you can’t always recognize a sarcastic tone when it’s in writing, I feel the need to tell you I’m being sarcastic.)
Sometimes I can get pretty overwhelmed hearing young Christians talk about marriage. And I will act like I don’t want to talk about it and that it doesn’t interest me because I am totally content to just be where I am right now. But if I’m being honest, it’s a topic I like to hear about. Like most of the students at the world’s largest Christian university, I am interested in marriage – whether I admit it or not.
I feel like a disclaimer is necessary: I am not obsessed with the thought of being married. I am well aware that a successful marriage doesn’t just happen. Two sinful people doing life together in close proximity is bound to get ugly, no matter how “in love” they are. And I realize there are a ton of serious benefits to being single. But that’s a post for another day.
At the risk of sounding like a real creep, I will confess that I’ve attempted a few times to make a list… Let’s call it a deal-breaker list. And I would like to point out that I am not the first person to come up with something crazy like this. Some church made a cheesy video about the list, 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon writes a book and has a talk show about deal-breakers, and there’s this blog that humorously chronicles new deal-breakers every few days.
But basically, it’s a list of qualities my future husband absolutely must have – or it’s a deal-breaker.
And now to redeem myself, I am happy to report the lists have gotten progressively shorter as time has gone on. God has refined it to rule out things like musical skills and flawless bone structure in favor of what is most important. Church planting was one of the most influential factors in this refinement.
I distinctly remember there was a meeting where we were debating about some issue – I don’t remember what – that could have gone one of two ways. And once we got done talking about it, Mike asked us what our final opinion was. To clarify, I asked, “So… Are we voting or something?” We weren’t voting. He explained that he valued our opinions and wanted to hear them, but he would ultimately make the call – and once we left that meeting we should own his decision as though it was our own. I doubt he knew it, but that response has effectively changed the way I think about my role as a Christian woman and the future wife of a Christian man – probably more than anything else I’ve ever heard.
The reason it stuck is because it’s biblical. Ephesians 5:21-33 tells us of the balance between the responsibility of the wife to submit to her husband and the need for the husband to lay down his life for his wife. When I hear this, I start dropping deal-breakers left and right. If my job as a wife will be to submit to my husband, I need to find a man who I can submit to. I realize that my natural tendency is toward calling the shots for myself. Left to do what my sin nature desires, I would be the head of the household. So if there’s any hope for my marriage, I’ve got to find a man worth submitting to!
- A man whose judgement I can trust.
- A man who I can willingly follow anywhere.
- A man who I know will do his best to lead us with pure intentions.
- A man whose character is solid.
- A man who is secure in his call and knows where he’s going.
- A man who defers to God for all direction.
- A man whose call matches mine.
See, I feel like marriage is a risky gamble for Christian women. In our role, in order to glorify God, we’re to submit. And if we marry some guy who isn’t at least trying to be everything on this list, we’re stuck either dishonoring God, or being led around by a guy who doesn’t know where he’s going or is going in the opposite direction.
God has been showing me most recently that – no matter what – I cannot compromise His call for my life to be with somebody who is called in a different direction. God called me for a purpose that is too important to compromise! So for this season of my life, I am running after the call God has placed on my life and trying to become the kind of woman my “dream husband” dreams about. And if I happen to notice there’s somebody running in the same direction at the same speed and at the same time as I am… Well, there’s a good sign I should give him a shot.
So that’s where I am right now on this whole marriage thing. Advice from those with actual first-hand experience is always welcome!
